One Sentence Stories Read online

  ONE SENTENCE STORIES:

  Tales for the Short Attention Span

  by

  b mitsoda

  One Sentence Stories: Tales for the Short Attention Span

  Copyright © 2011 Brian Mitsoda. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Names, characters, places, and incidents featured in this publication either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), events, institutions, or locales, without satiric intent, is coincidental.

  First Edition: November 2011

  Dedications

  For my parents, Joan and Richard, and my murderblonde (Annie).

  Preface

  This is the longest train of thought you will read in this book – feel free to skip it if you, like me sometimes, just want to get to the entertaining bits. I wrote this book for those of us who either don’t have the time to sit down and digest the latest eight hundred page epic imparting a detailed explanation of 17th Century British Maritime law or those whose attention span has been soundly ravaged by the internet web-browsing, comic book word bubble, billboard ad slogan ADD culture. Sometimes it’s asking a lot of a human brain mostly evolved to note the dissimilarities between a rock, lion, and woman and know well enough not to confuse the corresponding verbs of throw, flee, and copulate.

  I’m not completely deluded into thinking that this is anything more than the literary equivalent of junk food, but everybody craves something a little salty or sweet sometimes, and when you’re reaching into the bookshelf for a snack, why not pull out this dark chocolate-covered truffle with a glass of twenty year-old port rather than the pork rind and corn nut flavored collection of yet another book of ghost-written celebrity witticisms or 2002’s greatest political boners for dummies. This is a book to leisurely enjoy over coffee or pass the time waiting for a friend to get off the damn phone or maybe even during a bathroom break (please don’t loan it out in this case), but make no mistake: this is fine junk food and I highly advise you to eat a little at a time rather than gorge yourself on the whole bag at once (especially if you’re in the bathroom, because that’s a metaphorical mental image that makes me throw up in my mouth a little.) It’s a short story collection that anybody should be able to finish and maybe even like without the social stigma of a pop-up book.

  I have cobbled together this collection of stories from hundreds of pages of what started out as a writing exercise to relieve the pressure of crazy on my hyperactive mind, as well as deal with writer’s block and everyday absurdity. The rules are occasionally stretched to an extreme that only a woman giving birth to quintuplets might understand, but the constraint I set for myself has always been trying to paint a striking, sometimes hilarious, occasionally serious mental picture for the reader within one sentence. It may sound simplistic, but think of them like well-constructed pop songs – they may not be as complex as a symphonic movement, but a really good one sticks in your head in a pleasant way, even though it might be three minutes long and with just about as many chords. As far as the writing in this book goes, I was more inspired by the Pixies than my favorite novelists, though I must admit there’s a healthy amount of influence from Shel Silverstein, Gary Larson, and e. e. cummings in the mix.

  One Sentence Stories as a book came about as a result of the internet and nagging from both acquaintances and strangers alike. After posting a gaggle of them on a blog, the response was more than encouraging – people genuinely loved them as much as I did, and with the added incentive of money to be made, I hastily (actually painstakingly) assembled a collection of stories for publication. These are what I consider the best of the bunch – the stories that, while I was editing this, made me think that I really did create something that was sort of, kind of, almost good.

  I hope that you enjoy at least a few, if not all, of the stories in this book. The great thing is, if you dislike the current one, there could be another on the same page you may feel is worthy of replacing your current forum signature quote (take that, Ben Franklin and Captain Kirk!) If you’re reading through all this, about to start your second go round, then I’m oh so happy to know you’ve returned for more. If this is your first time experiencing One Sentence Stories, clear your head, turn the page, and please, eat them slowly.

  The Tell

  Our boss drank over a gallon of water a day, which is how we figured out he was a human spy.

  ____

  My Dream, Every Hour of Every Day

  “Surprise!” they yelled, swiftly leaping from their hiding places – oh, you got us, dinosaurs!

  ____

  Mystery Girl

  There was blood everywhere, in little bags… Rina was sure she had stumbled onto the hospital’s terrible secret.

  ____

  Iron Man

  The crew stopped what they were doing to stare at Jake’s abs of steel; another bad night at the smelting plant.

  ____

  Get Ready!

  Sheryl and I had our ups and downs, but then, we did live on the back of a Space Harrier boss.

  ____

  Wood Face

  It was almost as if my wandering mind had subconsciously carved a face in the driftwood, a face identical to a girl I had pined for through the arduous years of my awkward youth; a time way before I knew the agony of a mouth full of splinters.

  ____

  Secret Dangers of Jelly Sales

  Outside Jenny’s Famous Preserves, Jenny and the bear stared each other down for what seemed like days – if he thought she’d step aside to let him just smash the place up and eat his fill again, he’d have to have the guts to pull the trigger.

  ____

  Take That, Dorkenson!

  To show up that Kimmy Dorkenson, my party had pony rides ON a trampoline and paramedics.

  ____

  Blow, Hole

  Yodel the grey whale shed her radio tracking transmitter four days after being released back into San Diego waters; to marine biologist Dirk Vangelis, this was proof positive that she had been guilty.

  ____

  You Must Be My Hands for Me

  Swirling the hard, crunchy plastic-like object around his mouth for a second to see if it belonged there, Gordon spit it out to discover it was a yellow toenail, though he kept his revulsion to himself, knowing it’d be rude after how bravely the chef was coping with his crippling tug-of-war disability.

  ____

  Guns Were Called Heaters in the Age of Fedoras and Jazz

  A tough, maybe – barely a thug – Charlie dismissed him and reflected on the goons of the golden days, back when the biggest bull mook would set you back six bucks a week and you could pluck them by the dozen from under any lamppost in the city… it was only then that he felt the tear making its way past his left nostril and down onto lips that no longer spoke names the quality of Ox, Moose, and Dimples.

  ____

  Lazy Bones

  Trevor tried to explain to his son that skeletons were just dried up bones that couldn’t hurt him – it was easier than moving them out of his room.

  ____

  The Last Hurdle

  Emmet realized if he wanted to be the best bluegrass fiddler in the world, he would have to stop falling down the chasm.

  ____

  Does Not Transfer Student

  Holding the ice compress against his swollen cheek as he scanned the fine print of the crumpled notebook paper, Cory Applebottom found out that, sure as Frizzy Paulson had said, Cory’s bully insurance did not transfer over to his new school.

  ____

  It�
�s All Fun and Games until Someone Loses an Arm

  The severity of the wound and their distance from a proper medical facility left amputation as the only option - another harrowing day for Mitch Fitzmount, paintball field medic.

  ____

  Emotional Supercenter

  I didn’t need the car stereo as much as I needed a shoulder to cry on at that moment, and “Trent,” according to his name tag, was obviously desperate to meet his quota.

  ____

  Two Drink Maximum

  “I would like you to give Officer Michaels your undivided attention,” requested Lieutenant Perez, but police authority or not, it was a really terrible start to a hypnotist act.

  ____

  The Amazon is Nothing like the Website

  Justin didn’t immediately react to the Watubu warrior’s sudden blow dart to his face, mostly because he had a blow dart paralyzing his face.

  ____

  Anything Involving Carnies Can’t Be That Heartfelt

  “I won’t lie, our lives are going to be like a roller coaster – at least for the near future,” Deb said into Douglas’ chest as the safety bar for the Crazalator came down around them.

  ____

  Panacea with Marinara Sauce

  I didn’t continue my cancer research because I realized that, even though I would probably perfect the cure eventually, they would never name it after me, Eddie Spaghetti.

  ____

  Ancient Rome Emergency Plan

  Finding myself in Ancient Rome by some odd flub of temporal physics, I searched within my own experience for some bit of science or philosophy that could endear myself to the nobility of the time, but not being a scholar - or even a bright man - I went with the high-five and damned if it didn’t net me a sweet-ass country estate.

  ____

  Sorry, Beth, I Hope This Story Sets Us Straight

  Think of the worst thing you can imagine – that’s not even close to what I did to Beth… on a dare… in front of her friends… at her wake.

  ____

  Zoo Date

  What was her favorite food, jeez, she was done with this suitor – that’s the lamest small talk any panda could ever hear.

  ____

  Trail of Mystery

  Somewhere along the hiking trail I had lost my watch, or at least that’s what it wanted me to think.

  ____

  Senior Citizens are Important

  We were surprised at how much energy the old girl still had in her, which was why the pyramid was ahead of schedule.

  ____

  Rachel

  I would never forget Rachel, mostly because I woke up with the name carved in my face.

  ____

  The Kavalcrossrigade

  The Kavalcrossrigade was an elite stunt team rumored to perform mind-blowing daredevilry in secret; an older Richie Davenport still swears that on that Grand Canyon camping trip he looked up through the gorge at the full moon and saw the silhouettes of dirt bikes, Dodge Chargers, and one black van with a glowing bikini-clad warrior princess riding a panther that winked at him as the roar of engines faded into the Arizona night like badass ghosts.

  ____

  Ted’s Rear End is Rumored to be Unclean

  “Ted is a poobutt” was a sorry comeback for even a second grader, but it was already spray-painted on his supervisor’s car, so Cade was lucky it would remain anonymous.

  ____

  Redecorating

  “Now, son, I know you hate the Visigoths, but your mother and I thought you were little old for clown wallpaper.”

  ____

  Hanami

  It was a perfect time for cherry-blossom viewing; the robots wouldn’t catch up to us for at least another hour.

  ____

  The Deeper Subtext of Chalky Marshmallows

  Heath dug through the box in a frenzied panic, and that’s when it dawned on him that the prize he had been searching for at the bottom of his cereal was metaphorical and that it had been inside him all along.

  ____

  Jury of Your Fears

  Skele-King had demanded a jury of his peers, surprised to actually find out that skull-for-a-head wasn’t as rare a condition as he thought.

  ____

  You Never Wished So Hard for Mind Bleach

  The new kid and the promotion at the law firm meant that Jake had to shave time wherever he could, which left him with no choice but to renew his license at the topless DMV.

  ____

  Space EPA

  “I just got back from the third planet in the Sol system and someone fouled up that planet awfully bad – anyone know who to bill for cleanup?” asked agent Xhkxxhkxxyhyk to the crowd as the Kearthlings all remembered places they had to be.

  ____

  The Future of American Politics

  “A vote for me doesn’t only get you a responsible representative, it also enters you in a drawing for valuable prizes – you could win a kayak, or a gift certificate for one of three moderately-priced family dining establishments – but if you really want a chance to take home these or other fantastic prizes, I’m going to need your support this Tuesday…”

  I Will Rise From My Ashes Full of Vengeance and a Hickory-Smoked Aroma

  As the good people of the village set the fires around Flora, the witch girl who had danced with Satan’s cat in a circle of pines, a sudden roar coming from above them caused them to stop and shrink back in horror before they realized it was just an airplane.

  ____

  Utopialiens

  To the Betelgeusians, hunger was an alien notion, much to the alarm of the humans in their zoo.

  ____

  Quick Thinking

  “Emergency flaps,” he wrote on the line next to the diagram, meaning Rob would never complete his gynecologist certification.

  ____

  Bologna

  So far the illusion of his wealth had been kept up quite nicely, but he worried about how much her opinion of him would drop should she find out that “his” ultramodern condo was really a friend’s apartment, his top-of-the-line sports car was a rental, and that even the sandwiches they were sharing were indeed leased.

  ____

  Chettin’ Around the World

  It was bad enough that Chet had learned their language and that they had nothing good to say about him, what was worse was that the cannibals found him chewy and flavorless.

  ____

  Great for the Back

  “It’s really annoying, doctor, like a loud, hissing noise exploding in my ears right before I fall asleep on my cat mattress.”

  ____

  Another Day at Smileyville Toy Company

  Whether the exercise was mere pomp or plain chance, the boss would gather them in a circle, and another perilous round of “Duck, Duck, Fired” began…

  ____

  What Else You Going to Do?

  Chavez had a pair of queens, Reynolds a flush, Murdoch three aces, and me – I had nothing but a lot of red cards, a pair of underwear on, and a whole lot of NASA training that was being put to questionable use halfway to Mars.

  ____

  Everybody Needs Somebody to Hate

  The enemy of my enemy is my barber – I found out we both hate Mr. Bergerdash for how he keeps his Christmas decorations up for most of January.

  ____

  You Listen to Metal but You Don’t Listen to Your Heart

  Big Bill’s denim jacket was the envy of every metalhead in junior high and maybe even some of the other kids, so we were all shocked to see him rid of it, having heard that he had traded it in for a flaming skull humping demon patch that would’ve looked kickass on the back of his jacket.

  ____

  Counter

  Kimberly saw the personal page counter increase by one and couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this hit had been someone special from her past that had finally tracked her down through the power of the internet; in a completely different state, in a dark room, Josh frantically typed a me
ssage to “Kimmy4U”, wondering if there was one “p” or two in the word “underpants”.